the queen of ugly face
loves -
FOOD
her roxybaby!
gerrard!
jielun!
rollerblading
ficticious wan mei nan ren
pau skin
cheese cake
sweet and sour stuff
baking
is wobbly
bobbly
and makes the ugliest faces and sounds
Friday, December 22, 2006
.
its called merry christmas for a reason right
so im suppsoed to be happy
o k a y .
this holiday period..pretty much sums up my whole life.
few ups and a whole lot of downs
abandon
smtimes i just feel like a shithead. floating around
[tt image is actually very funny. ]
i want it all to stopppppppppppp
how did i ever allow myself to end up like this?
I dont feel so super anymore.
edited cos i sounded like an emonutcase
stupidbloggercantpasswordprotectentriesbutwhocaresrightnotlikemanypplereadthis.andifidontsayanythingithinki'lljustimplodeanddie.
i think i have an intrinsic sadness.something,thatif i manifestfullyitdeatmealive andannoythehelloutofeveryone.buti dunnohowlongicankeepupwiththispretense.ttimhappy
imcontentedttifeellovedifyouwantocallmeinsecuresensitiveorotheridioticthingsobeittt'syour
opinionimnotlookingtochangeyourmindaboutme.imnotlookingfor
pityimnotlookingforyoutosayfakesweethingstomakemehappy.
youseetheproblemwithpreconceivedopinionsis
thatyoualreadyhavebiasesandperceptionsaboutpeoplethatwillnot
beeasytshakeoffandthere'sreally,nothingicandoaboutit.
simpynotneedednotsignificant.yesiknowtheres@#.
butidowantobeinapositionwhereimatteronly
tothisoneperson,whoiguessreallydofindmeimportant.idunnohowi
livedtoenduplikethis.itsthelittlethingsthatmatter.tt
jishaochengduo.thelittleshardsofglasstt..prickyousomuchttyouwont
diefromtitbutatthesametimeitsexcruciatinglypainful.itsanever
endingviciouscycleyousee.maybeallthis
emotionaltrauma.imdisplayingthisinmyrefusalto!@#?atleasticantryontheoutside.
maybethenillbegoodenoughfor#@^#togiveadamn
iwantostopfelingpatheticstopfeelingsouseless.
justsittingaroundaitingfor___.rarr.donteventhinki
shouldbepostingthisthingup.maybei;lljustclosedowntheblogafterido.
itsnotsodifficultbutitsobviouswhennothingyoudoseemsrightandalltt.
maybeimdestinedtothis.dieinheapfulsofcookiesandfoodalone.
old,fatandshirivelled.mybeyouknowhowitsuckswhenyouhavenoonetoturn
tonoonetotellallthistoo.forfear.orwhatmaybeannoyingthemscaringthem
off.orscaredtheytheydevelopanextraniceattitudearoundyoutt'suncannily
false?arrrwhenevenurbestfriendsdontknow,orsuppossedbestfriends}donthavethetimettositandlistentobeyourfriend.whatdoyoudowhenyou
feellikethelowliestshit,andyoucantdoanythingaboutit.andyoufeel
sofreakinginaptuselessunwantedunneededandaloneandwhenyoucantjuststop
thinkingaboutthingsandcheerupijustwantofeelgoodenoughihaveanatural
cheerfuldispositioncan.justlikemyinnategreediness.butidunnowherethe
cheerfulmhappymewent.disappearedwheniwentosecschoolandivebeenlivingina
shellforalltheseyears,withmomentsohappymesproutinguphereandthere.
iknowmyselfhowmuchineedhim.asafreidn.becasueessentiallytt'swhatheis.avery
goodfriendwho'dgivemethecompanionshipthatineedandlistentome.reallywanto
listentomeandhearwhatihavetosay.nohiddenmotives,agendas.butthere'ssomnay
uglymemoriesofwhoiwasinthatrelationshipandireallydontwantogetremindedoff
allthatandrmballthethingsididntlike.aboutmyself.abouthimaboutttperiodofmylife.
ivelostmanythingsthisyear,2006.andimbeginningtofeelthatnothingigained..
willevermakeupfforttivhvlost.whenalltt'shappeneing.alltt'shappened.is
yourownfreakassfault.soi guess i only have myself to blame for it.
and its aproblem with myself.theclinicallydepressedhavefriendsandfamilyf.
ihavemymaniacalself
superdugong out! ; .
